How to Host

Being a gracious, welcoming host when you have 500 square feet or less

It goes without saying that my dream Brooklyn brownstone has a guestroom. I picture it on the first floor or in the basement, with a tiny window overlooking a leafy green side yard. I know it doesn’t make sense that a small room in a brownstone would have a window looking out onto a side yard, since brownstones are, by definition, abutting, but walk with me here.

My dream Brooklyn brownstone would have a more cohesive vision for its planters, but that’s neither here nor there. Via Apartment Therapy

The dream guest room is small - smaller than a New York hotel room - but actually, truly, cozy, and not in the way a closet apartment is described as “cozy” on StreetEasy. The sheets are crisp white linen. A single flower - maybe a Bear Creek dahlia - sits in a bud vase on the nightstand. There’s a big wardrobe to put your suitcase and a carafe of still water.

Are you getting it??? Via Pinterest.

On the bed is a folded note written by my precocious, currently non-existent daughter - let’s call her Eleanor. Though, of course, she goes by Nora or Nell, sensing without being told that Ellie or Elle would be too patrician for her parents’ taste. “Welcome to our home!!!” the note says in adorably sloppy cursive (I taught her myself - it’s such a shame they don’t teach script in schools anymore!)

This is bigger than the guest room would be, of course, but it captures the vibe. Via the Nodroom.

It also goes without saying that the money to buy this brownstone was earned through ethical and interesting means. Maybe my father invented a design-y chair or patented the slinky. In real life, I don’t have a Dad, let alone a benevolent, wealthy, toy-inventing one, but again - walk with me.

Don’t get me started on the attached bathroom; it has such good water pressure. It’s got custom tile, a pedestal sink, and aged brass fixtures.

I left products for you, too.

They look like Grown Alchemist, though, of course, they’re not Grown Alchemist (too obvious), but rather a brand you’ve never heard of and never will, like Santa Maria Novella if it were still made by monks. A soap only known to yours truly and obscure European queens. After you take a shower in my guest bathroom, the shampoo's scent gently wafts you off to sleep, and, of course, the sleep is the best of your life, aided by the silk sleep mask I left on your nightstand. It’s not the Four Seasons. It’s better.

This is literally a guest room that you can rent on AirBnB, but it is also symbolically representative of my dream guest bedroom, as it has the flowers, the linen sheets, and the view of the side yard.

Tragically, in real life, I don’t have a brownstown. Before I moved back to New York, I talked a big game - we’re going to get a two-bed two-bath, please come visit, you’re welcome to stay! - before realizing the inherent limitations of the city and its apartments. We did manage to get a second bedroom in our generic high-rise apartment, but it also serves as my home office, a laundry drying room, a junk drawer, and a gym. There’s no bud vase because there’s no nightstand. There’s no bed; it’s a pull-out couch.

And yet! Though my dream guest room is fictional, I have hosted many times, both in this apartment and in much smaller ones. And for the most part, guests (and I) seem to enjoy it. The guidelines below have helped.

1. Make sure everyone in your household is 100% comfortable having guests

Unfortunately, once someone is IN your house, you can’t exactly ask them to leave. (Perhaps you’ve read every squatter horror story ever?)

The only thing worse than having a guest you’re so-so about is being the guest who senses they’re unwanted but is unable to pay for a hotel room. If anyone in your household is even a little bit hesitant to have your guest stay, sorry, but it’s best not to host. You owe it to others to give them a firm but polite no. Try: “Sorry, but we’re not set up for hosting right now.”

2. Make your schedule and daily habits clear to those staying with you

One of the hardest parts of staying in someone’s house is not knowing when you’re in the way and when you’re a welcome presence. This is especially the case if you’re sharing a bathroom. Make it easier for your guests by sharing your daily schedule without them having to ask - “I tend to go to bed around 10, I’ll be out late Tuesday, I’ll need to work from home starting at 9,” etc. Unless this person is specifically visiting to spend time with you AND only you, you shouldn’t feel the pressure to fill their social calendar, but I always think it’s classy to make reservations at a low-key neighborhood restaurant - let your guests feel what it’s like to live where you do.

3. Provide the necessities immediately - WiFi, towels, keys, and water.

When you check into even the shittiest motel, a few things are provided instantly: the Wi-Fi password, clean towels, and a key. You should be handing all these things to your guests when they arrive, though you don’t need to make it a transaction. Leave the towels on the bed or couch (wherever they’re sleeping) and the keys on the counter with a note (make sure to have a spare). Send the Wi-Fi password in a text message before they arrive. Put a Topo Chico or your choice of refreshing beverage in their room (or the coffee table, if they’re crashing on the couch) as a finishing touch.

4. Make it extra special: provide the non-necessities as well

You know how your mother or grandmother ruthlessly collected every free mouthwash, toothpaste, or toiletry set like she was planning some sort of complimentary dental kit museum? I’m here to tell you she was on to something. Most of those things would go to waste anyway, so when I’m given them, I store them in my bathroom to give to guests. Just last week I had the pleasure of handing a guest a comically tiny toothpaste tube, which turned out to be perfect for his two-day trip.

Adorably tiny toothpast tube, via Reddit

Bonus points for keeping extra phone and laptop chargers handy.

And lastly. Is there a plunger in your bathroom? What about the guest bathroom? If not, I suggest you put one there immediately. There’s nothing to harsh the vibe quite like asking your host to assist with a toilet emergency.

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An additional note: As ICE continues raids in my hometown of San Antonio, including kidnapping American citizens, I will be stepping up donations to local legal aid societies. American Gateways is one such organization - If you have any money to spare, I encourage you to click through and donate.